Divine Write Copywriting Forum

hi,

I rewrote health copy for cholesterol by a health copywriter. I've left out certain details for obvious reasons. Can someone critique it for me?

thanx


Watch Your Cholesterol Level Drop In ……………

If you want to kick high cholesterol, try {product}. You’ll notice an amazing drop in your cholesterol count. If not, we’ll give you your money back.

Let me tell you right of the bat. With{product}, you’ll experience no harmful side effects, and we’re certainly not going to make you take multiple dosages which will cost you your lifesavings
What you will experience are low cholestral levels thanks to a natural(non-additive_) formula of tried and tested ingredients which eradicate High Deficiency Cholestrol and establish Low Deficiency Cholestrol, including lower tryclycerides.


You Can Achieve Healthy Cholesterol

This unique blend, when applied correctly creates positive vibes on your cholestrol count. And we are giving away this incredible package for ONLY{price of product}, which when you break it down for the year, adds up to{total}—and you’d have enough money left over for groceries!

So this tried and tested formula:

• Improves your High Deficiency Cholesterol
• Eradicates Low Deficiency Cholesterol
• Lowers triglyceride levels
• Guarantees Normal Cholesterol Levels in 40 Days or Less
• Devoid of Terrible Side Effects and High Costs of Prescription Drugs!

Try(product) Risk Free For 90 Days!

So why not act now to achieve perfect hearty health rather than hyperventilate over your next cholesterol test at the doctor’s office?

To recap, here is what this amazing package does for your heart:

• Cleans your arteries off Low Deficiency Cholesterol
• Eliminates Oxidation Low Deficiency Cholesterol caused by dangerous atoms that damage heart cells
• Reduces high level of triglycerides – a fatty substance which triggers the heart attack process


Ideally, you would want to eat the right foods and exercise regularly. But you and I know you don’t have the time to do this. So why don’t you give yourself a chance to live a long hearty life by purchasing {product}. Two capsules a day will send you on your way to a hearty life free of cholesterol worries. Even worse, your wallet and your image take a beating from high costs of prescription drugs.

Would you get a better response if the spelling of "cholesterol" were a bit more consistent?

Hi kaymeis,

Another member of the Forum (who has forgotten his login) took the time to email me a bit of a critique regarding your use of commas. I've posted it here on his behalf, as I didn't want to make him do any more work!!!

Hope you find it helpful.

According to an English professor I had back in 1989 at the University of Maryland Asian Division (Okinawa, Japan), commas are the most over used punctuation in the English language. He said that if people would stick to 3 rules, they would avoid most of the common errors. Below are his rules.

1. Lists - Always use a comma when listing. Example: Jane had a purse, hat, gloves and shoes. A comma could be inserted after the word "gloves" but it is no longer a requirement.

2. Joiners - Always use a comma when you use a joiner. Joiners are words that put two (2) complete sentences together. Example: They decided to go to the movies, but Jane changed her mind. I have underlined the two complete sentences. When read, it is clear that the "but" could be removed and a period could replace the comma after the word "movies." These two phrases could stand alone as complete sentences. The joiner in this case is the word "but." So, and, for, and yet are also joiners.

3. Introductory phrases - Always separate the introductory phrase from the sentence with a comma. Example: According to an English professor I had back in 1989 at the University of Maryland Asian Division, commas are one of the most over used punctuations in the English language. The introductory phrase has been underlined in this sentence. Introductory phrases are not complete sentences. They are always at the beginning of the sentence. They are always followed by a complete sentence that could stand alone without the introductory phrase.

As a final note, my professor said that even though there are other uses for commas in writing, if one is careful to observe these 3 rules most instances of over-use will be avoided.