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Divine Write Copywriting Forum :: View topic - Comments, please.
Divine Write Copywriting Forum
https://www.divinewrite.com/forum/

Comments, please.
https://www.divinewrite.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=649
Page 1 of 1

Author:  Nostrildamus [ Thu Jun 24, 2010 10:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Comments, please.

Hello, copy people. I am bravely submitting a couple of web pages for you to critique. Be gentle:

http://www.allearsdesign.co.uk/copywriting.php#Example

http://www.allearsdesign.co.uk/seo_services.php#Example

Cheers,

N.

Author:  usablewords [ Thu Jul 01, 2010 3:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Comments, please.

Hi there

A couple of things really stick out about for me about the first page:

1. You're using too many abstract nouns as subjects: "Help comes through understanding"; "research takes us into the world of your customers", "empathy enables us to build trust", "From trust comes confidence" - it's all a bit Yoda-ish! Try rewriting these with people as subjects (e.g. "Before we can help you, we need to understand you"); they'll read as much less vague.

2. Overall I think you're just trying to pack in too much stuff. You can't do Copywriting 101 in 200 words. Take your own advice and concentrate on the pain points that prompt clients to look for a copywriter in the first place.

Oh, and offering a free sample before you've been properly briefed kind of goes against your whole message, doesn't it? :P

Cheers
Angus
usablewords.com

Author:  Nostrildamus [ Thu Jul 01, 2010 7:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Comments, please.

Thanks Angus,

Appreciate you taking a look. I think you're right about the Yoda thing. And offering a free sampler never felt right. Back to the drawing board..

Cheers for now,

N.

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