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 Post subject: Critique My TV Commercial
PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 11:18 am 
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Hi,

My name is Patrick Coyle and I have been operating as a freelance copywriter for a while now. However, I would like to get a job within an advertising agency and eventually work on TV commercials. I have been drafting spec TV commercials to put in my portfolio so I can eventually approach some agencies. Could someone please critique my below spec commercial for a suit retailer? Thank you. See below -


Momentum Mensland (TVC)
Background music — Changes by David Bowie (chorus)

INT – Function Room (School Formal) – Night
A dark room is filled with flashing disco lights. The room is occupied with many people standing and talking, while some are on the dance floor, dancing.
We notice a small group of teenagers, all roughly 18 years old. They are standing together, nursing their drinks, while talking, laughing, having a good time.
We focus on a nervous 18 year old male. He is wearing a black suit, bright vest and bright tie and supporting a messy hairstyle. He was laughing and chatting with a pretty young girl who is wearing a long, dark formal dress. The young man reaches out and gently takes the girls hand. They both stare at each other for a brief second and then start giggling bashfully.

INT – College Hall (Graduation Ceremony) – Day
Scores of people are seated in a large hall contently watching the stage. On the stage stood a middle aged man speaking to the crowd. Behind the man stood a single line of young adults holding their newly received certificates.
A 23 year old man, who is seated in front of the stage with his fellow graduates, stoop up and made his way over to the side of the stage. The crowd begins to applaud the young man who is dressed in a trendy suit. He walks up the small stair case to the top of the stage where he slightly stumbles on the top step. He looks a little sheepish. He walks over to the middle-aged man, shakes his right hand and takes his certificate with his left hand. They hold the pose so the audience can take their photographs.

EXT – Botanic Gardens (Wedding Ceremony) – Day
It is a sunny day at the botanic gardens. A large group of people are assembled in a large grassed area, surrounded by gardens full of colour. The people are all standing on either side of a white narrow carpet, which is being used as an aisle. The group of people are all facing this aisle, throwing flower petals in the sky, as a 28 year old men, wearing a dress suit, runs down the aisle with his new wife, hand in hand. They run to the limousine that waits for them on the driveway. The chauffer opens the rear door and the newly wed couple stop at the opened limousine door. They embrace each other and lock lips. The crowd of witnesses caught up with the bride and groom and surrounded them.

INT – Boardroom (Work Meeting) – Day
A 45 year old man, standing tall in his sharp suit, is presenting a business plan to a group of professional men and women sitting at a large table. He constantly refers to his PowerPoint presentation that is displayed on a screen. The business people are engrossed on every word leaving the man’s mouth. Out the boardroom’s window, you can see the city’s landscape.

INT – Church Auditorium (Wedding Ceremony) – Day
Inside an old cathedral church, people are standing in the pews facing the aisle. The women are brightly dressed and the men are all in suits. A 60 year old man, dressed in a smart black suit, is escorting his daughter towards the alter where her groom waits. The congregation follow the father and his daughter with their eyes as they reach the front of the church. As the groom walks over to collect his bride, the 60 year old man, with a tear in his eye, lifted his daughter’s veil and kissed her on the cheek.

INT – Function Room (Birthday Party) – Night
A still shot of a room that is decorated with balloons and streamers. People are standing at their tables with their Champaign flutes raised. One of the tables is a long, highly decorated table that faces the guests. On the front of the table reads “Happy 80th Birthday”. Behind this table, stands an 80 year old man dressed in a grey suit with his elderly wife with their glasses raised.
(The camera zooms out to reveal…)

INT – Lounge Room – Night
An elderly couple sitting on their lounge together in an embrace looking at a photo album. The room is dark only lit by a lamp and a roaring fireplace.
Across our TV screen we see the following caption displayed— “Momentum Mensland – Suited for all memories”


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