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 Post subject: How is this Real Estate Copy?
PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 5:43 am 
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Hi

I'm very new to copywriting and have been cutting my teeth on real estate copy for local newspapers.

I feel like I'm shooting blind at the moment and would benefit from your honest critique of this example of my work:

"

Peace Within Reach

This serene and secluded two-storey home, set back from the road and nestled among the branches of [name of suburb] treetops will fulfil your desire for peaceful and tranquil living within easy reach of daily life.

Archways lead from the foyer through a formal lounge and on to a dining room, conveniently accessible from both the kitchen and outdoor area. The family room features picture windows and sliding doors to experience nature year round.

Jutting into the canopy of native trees, the enormous sun deck forms a focal point; inviting you to spend every available moment enjoying this outdoor living space.

From the breakfast room and kitchen, a light-filled stair well leads to a large master bedroom with en-suite and bush views. The main bathroom and three more bedrooms complete the upper floor, the front-facing rooms enjoying garden views.

This property demonstrates that living close to schools, transport and a major [name of city] centre need not rob you of your own space and sense of calm.

"
Many Thanks

OC


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 Post subject: real estate copy
PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:19 am 
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Hi there,

I think you're on the right track. I am surprised it's so long - is that the word length they give you? (although I have never done real estate copy).

One thing I would suggest is shortening your sentences. Short sentences are fast paced and the opposite is true of long sentences.

Good on you for being a copywriter - viva la copywriters!

check ya.


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 Post subject: real estate copy
PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:21 am 
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... I mean the opening sentence is long - the rest are fine. It's very colourful writing and I wonder if you are really trying to sell us real estate?

check.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 12:00 pm 
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Thanks for your advice - I'll give the short sentences a try.

This example was for an editorial on the property and from this piece I then sumarise for ads that require less words. I have taken the approach that people will be interested in viewing a property if the lifestyle that it provides seems attractive. Walls can be painted and kitchens replaced but the lifestyle advantages (and disadvantages) often remain.

I'm thinking that a factual account of the property's features (how many bedrooms, whether the roof is slate or tile, etc.) doubles up on the factual bullet points that accompany the editorial.

Perhaps I'm not being hard-nosed enough but it would seem that the local real estate copy reflects the promotion of lifestyle over function (not that I want to blend in with the pack).

I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

OC


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 Post subject: real estate copy
PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:54 pm 
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I think you're right. :)


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 2:00 pm 
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Hi OC. I found your copy quite easy to read, and as someone who is currently looking for a house to buy, it ticks a lot of the right boxes for me. :)

As you've not included the bulleted copy containing the "facts" it seemed that some of the more vital information (number of bedrooms and bathrooms) was left a little late in the piece - however, since you've mentioned this is outlined elsewhere, you've done a nice job illustrating the life-style qualities. I also like the way you lead the reader through the house: Archways lead from the foyer through a formal lounge and on to a dining room,... it's almost like being invited in for a tour.

If I were to suggest any changes it would only be that there seems to be a lot of emphasis on the trees! Not that trees aren't a good thing, but they are mentioned in your opening paragraph, your third paragraph, and then there's mention of bush views in your fourth paragraph. Perhaps you could tie points from these paragraphs in to one single paragraph, then add a few more details about other areas (as a lover of good food, I'd like to read a bit more about the kitchen - but that's purely a personal thing! :wink: ).

Overall I think you've done a great job! Certainly much better than the hatchet job our real estate agency did for us when we put our house on the market!! :roll:


A : )


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 2:37 pm 
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Thanks for your feedback (I like it when people think I'm right :wink: )

FYI - here are the bullets (Abbanabba, as a foodie myself, something from the kitchen always gets a mention :) )

• Walk rail/[local prestigious private school]/Shops
• Separate gym/studio/home office
• Reverse cycle A/C throughout
• New gas cooktop
• Double LUG overlooking bushland
• Park-like gardens

On reading it back I realise that there is a lot of focus on the trees. I'll have to be careful of that - it may get in the way of the reader 'seeing the forest'!!

OC


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:04 pm 
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Hi OC,
Your copy is definitely way better than the other RE copy that was posted here recently - I couldn't even bring myself to comment on that.

FWIW, I think there's still a bit of work to be done, but what is there definitely works. For me it's verging on a little too poetic. I'd like there to be more of a balance between the natural wonders outside and the comforts and practicalities that (I hope) make up the inside. You're really appealing to readers on an emotional and lifestyle level which is great, but I feel like I want more information.

I see you've included your bullet points in a later post and I presume these go at the end of the main copy, but I'd like to see it all together to get the full picture.

Agree with numberless about the first sentence (short sentences generally work better in most copy). Abbanabba's comment about being invited on a tour is something I feel you could take further - I got a bit confused as to where I was in the house, so if you go with the virtual tour idea, maybe it needs to be more sequential or something. This is a structural thing that reading the copy aloud may help with.

Anyway, as I said FWIW - take it or leave it.

All the best,
KD


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